Humpty Dumpty Fell

I guess I've waited long enough to write another moment out of my head. Two weeks ago the ball started rolling and it has been rolling and collecting speed ever since. Very interesting how the smallest things can seem like the biggest things, and then other doors are open, other issues and it just starts to unravel. Not unravel in a bad way, but in a "break it all down to build it back up in a sturdier method". I'm 24, I feel like I might as well be 35. I thought I had it all figured out, especially me, but now I'm seeing that there will always be something to change, something to fix, something to better, to mold, to file off the edges, smooth up, break off, grow, die, let go of, hold onto, ignore, face, move on, forgive, forget, and keep going.

So here I am, re-programming and fine tuning myself, trying to heal old wounds and asking forgiveness for past hurts.

Hello Again Peoples...

I don't know who even reads these things anymore, but I've decided it doesn't even matter.


Right now life is: different. Not what I expected. Not what I planned. And in some ways, not what I want. Mostly I find myself confused. That's probably the best way to describe it. Just trying to find that happy-medium, which seems odd because I've always been planned, always prepared and had an idea of what I was doing and who I was/wanted to be. The people I had around me, what I thought they meant to me, where and how we'd spend our lives together...it's all out the window. Some have stepped up, some have stepped away. There are NO more constants. And now, I find myself being everything but planned and prepared. The part that frustrates me the most is not knowing the answers anymore. Not having control. The biggest question I have now isn't so much of what I want in the future, but what I want now. Who I want to be NOW. Who I want to be in the lives of NOW. NOW is the focus. And honestly, it's quite possibly the first time in my life that it has been. Wish me luck with that!